The Arena Episode 2: Commander Ikari vs the Cancer Man
Gogetza sat in his chair in the main office. Death Master Snitch, and Joseph Bugman stood on at his side. Lina Inverse stood in front of him, she was very nervous.
Gogetza: Lina, Lina, Lina.... what am I going to do with you! You killed our interview correspondent! We got sued for 3 million by her family! What do you propose to do about this!
+Snitch draws one of his weeping blades.+
Snitch: I have a suggestion....
Gogetza: PUT THAT AWAY! Now Miss Inverse I see only two ways to do this, either you make amends some how or you get life in an Imperial Penal Planet. Take your pick.
Lina: How bout I take her place! I could be you're next interview correspondent!
Gogetza: You're kidding...
+Bugman taps him on the shoulder.+
Bugman: Sir, she is willing to take the job, and she knows how to fight if any of the combatents get rowdy.
+Gogetza ponders this.+
Gogetza: Ok Inverse, you got a deal.
Broadcasting around the universe.... and to amost every parallel dimention...this is....
The leader in violence this side of the Malestrom!
+ We open up in the Arena once again, an explosion of pyrotechnics bathes the arena in light. Nick, Johnny, and Austin are siting in the announcers booth ready to start the carnage. +
Johnny: Welcome fight otaku! We got a great match for you tonight! But first we have some announcements to make.
Nick: If you tuned in last time during our Anime vs Games Workshop grand opening episode, you were witness to a ton of blood soaked matches.
And the survivors of some of those matches have joined our staff full time!
Austin: That's right. First off Joseph Bugman the best brewer of beer the world has ever known has become our Official Arena Sponsor! In fact his brews are available at the concessions stand for a small price.
+ At that comment half the audience gets up and charges the concessions stand all at once. Bugman is in danger of being crushed by the hoard. Fortunalty for Bugman, Gogetza, Garshrink and the orks intercept the wave of thirsty fans. +
Gogetza: ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!
Garshrink: If you want some beer line up, single file. NOW!!
+ The crowd obeys immediately, not wanting to provoke the orks. +
Gogetza: As you were saying Austin.
Austin: Right, the security department has a new leader. Death Master Snitch is now in charge. Finally their's the matter of Mantenopolus after last month's explosive confrontation with Miss Inverse. As you probably know Mantenopolus made the biggest mistake of her life when she ridiculed Lina's undeveloped figure. Now she's just a pile of ashes.
Johnny: After all that Gogetza was rather pissed off. He demanded that Lina make amends. So now she has taken up the job.
Johnny: Now that that's done we can get to the savagry at hand!
Nick: It's the battle of the conspiracy masters! Commander Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion vs the Cancer Man from the X-Files. It all started back at Otaku Con 99...
+Commander Ikari and Shinji are sitting at a large table talking to devoted fans.+
Fan: Mr. Ikari what really is the deal with the Human Instrumentality Project?
Ikari: You know I can't tell reveal that. I didn't become the conspiracy master I am today by revealing secrets.
+The Cancer Man walks on camera.+
Cancer Man: Ha! You a conspiracy master don't make me laugh!
Ikari: Oh and I suppose you are?
Cancer Man: You're damn right I am and I'll kick your ass!
+The Cancer Man leaps at Ikari and knocks him to the ground. They begin to wrestle and knock things over. Shinji sighs and whistles sharply. Cancer Man and Ikari stop fighting.+
Shinji: Listen you to there's a time and a place to kick each others asses. Save it for the Arena.
Austin: And now they're here ready to fight to the death.
So right after these commercial messages we'll have interviews with the fighters then the main event.
+ Commercial Sign +
A dwarf walks through the woods. His hair sticks up in a huge mohawk, and all his hair is dyed a bright orange. Suddenly a huge Troll comes charging out of the woods right at the dwarf. The dwarf swings his axe into the troll's stomach and the beast go's down. The dwarf reaches into the troll's stomach and pulls out a can. He chugs it.
Dwarf: I'm Gotrek Gunderson, and when I'm hunting troll's nothing hits the spot like a good Troll's Blood Brew. It satifies your thirst and keeps you fortified for weeks! Yes that's Trolls Blood Brew!
The Troll sit's back up.
Troll: Avalable at your local tavern!
Troll's Blood Brew made by Bugman's BrewInc.
+ Commercial Sign +
Johnny: And were back. Now before we go to the main event we have exclusive interviews with Ikari and the Cancer Man. Take it away Lina...
+Flash to Lina standing in front of Cancer Man's door. She's wearing an Arena Tee-shirt, jean shorts, her trade mark bandana and a pair of white tennis shoes.+
Lina: Thanks Johnny. I'm here out side the door of the Cancer Man's dressing room. (Knocks on door) Mr. Cancer Man my I come in?
+ Lina walks in, and we see the CM training with agent Molder.+
Molder: Keep your hands up CM. (punches CM in face) I said keep your hands up. (Punches CM again) I SAID....(CM punches Molder in the face KOing him)
Lina: So I see that the training is going well.
CM: Yes, things are going well. Ikari doesn't stand a chance against me.
Lina: Do you have any secret weapons that you'll try on Ikari today? Like the black oil aliens?
CM: I do have some mature black oil aliens, but I'd rather not use them unless I really have to. They are quite dangerous you know.
+Lina's looking at a big crate in the corner of the room. Snarls and shoots are coming from it.+
Lina: What's this? (Reaches out with her hand)
CM: DON'T TOUCH IT! (Tackles Lina)
Lina: WHAT WAS THAT FOR!
CM: That is my most dangerous secret weapon. It could kill you in an instant.
Lina: Ummm well I'm done here then.
+Lina walks over to Ikari's dressing room.+
Lina: (Knocks on Ikari's door) Mr. Ikari could we have a word?
+ Ikari sticks his head out the door.+
Ikari: No you can't! Go away!
+Lina gets an angry look in her face, she grabs Ikari by the collar and drags him close to her face. +
Lina: LISTEN UP MR. PERSONALITY! IT'S MY FIRST DAY ON THE JOB AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUIN IT! UNDERSTAND!!!
+She drops Ikari to the ground, Ikari pics himself up and decides to co operate.+
Ikari: Ok what do you want to know?
Lina: Well what horrible things are you planning to your opponent?
Ikari: Well I really don't know, I didn't have much of a plan. Just go in and kill him.
Lina: You heard it here first fokes! Back to you Nick, Johnny, and Austin!
+Flashes back to the announcers booth.+
Nick: That kid will go far! I can feel it!
Johnny: She's developed that spunk from years of fighting monsters and daemons. Now we are finally ready for the main event! Stone Cold would you take care of the vital stats?
Name: Cancer Man
Occupation: Conspiracy Master, works
Personal Quirk: Can't stop smoking.
Name: Gendo Ikari
Occupation: Commander and Chief of NERV
Personal Quirk: Treats his only son like crap, treats Rei clone like his own daughter.
And those are the fighter facts, because Stone Cold said so!
Nick: Now let's go ring side.
+Camera flashes to ring.+
Johnny: Let's get this fight under way!
Johnny: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Arena!
In the blue corner hailing from Vancouver, Los Angeles, And Vancouver again THE CANCER MAN!!(wild cheers)
And his opponent, in the red corner hailing from Tokyo 3, Japan COMMANDER IKARI!(wild cheers)
+Ghul Dhan calls to to combatants forward.+
Ghul Dhan: Ok, now I know I won't get a good clean fight out of you two if I asked so let's just get it on.(bell rings)
+CM lights up a cigarette as Ikari comes at him. Ikari swings at CM and misses as the X-Files villain calmly side steps, Ikari's clumsy blow.+
CM: What was that?
Ikari: It was the sound of me punching you're face in!
+Ikari comes at CM again and connects with a brutal upper cut. CM grimaces and throws a punch back at Ikari. The punch hit's the NERV general in the side of the face. Ikari delivers a flurry of punches to CM's cheast.+
Nick: Good move by Ikari! He's going for Cancer Man's weakened lungs. If he can take them out CM's doomed.
+CM stumbles backward coughing. He stands up straight and belches out a cloud of black smoke. Ikari stumbles back caughing.+
Ikari: Can't see..... not good!
+ CM takes advantage of this and pushes his ferocious attack. He punches Ikari in the stomach rapidly, then kicks him in between the legs. Ikari falls to the mat.+
Johnny: CM plants on in the south pole!
+CM turns towards the audiance.+
CM: YES! I AM THE GREATEST CONSPIRACY MASTER OF ALL TIME!
Nick: Well CM seems to be in control of this fight.
+Ikari gets back up and sneaks up behind the CM.+
Austin: I wouldn't be too sure about that.
+Ikari gets CM in a choke hold. CM struggles to get out of Ikari's grip but can't.
CM gasps for air, then he seems to get an idea.+
Johnny: What's Cancer Man trying now?
+CM takes his cigarette and shoves it into Ikari's eye. Ikari screams and breaks the hold. Ikari swears and stumbles about the ring.+
CM: I've had enough of you. RELEASE THE BLACK OIL ALIENS!
+A cage rises up out of CM's corner with three mature black oil aliens in side. CM walks over to the cage and opens it. The three black oil aliens leap out and charge straight at Ikari.+
Ikari: I anticipated this! REI DO IT KNOW!
+ Eva unit 0 drops from the causways above the ring smashing the black oil aliens.+
Nick: It looks like Ikari has called opon Rei and her Eva unit to deal with CM's tricks.
Ikari: Rei crush that fool know!
Rei: Yes sir....
+Rei raises her Eva's foot up above CM and brings it down. But it stops just before it smashes the old man it stops. And the Eva begins to go completely nuts!! It begins to rip the roof off the arena! +
Johnny: EVA Unit O has gone completely insane! Rei must have lost control again!
Austin: That's what? The third time this freaking week!
GOGETZA! Get your sorry ass over there and get rid of the thing!
+Gogetza flies over to the berserk Eva.+
Gogetza: Yeah, yeah I'll deal with it just keep your shirt on.
+Gogetza grabs the grabs the Eva by the foot, and lifts. He manages to pick the Eva up. And with a grunt he throws it good and far. It shoots down a large corridor.+
Nick: Gogetza.... where did you throw that thing?
Gogetza: Hmmmm (pulls out ship blueprints) That corridor leads to....... the docking bays. ...... She'll be expelled into space.
+A huge sweat drop rolls down Nick's head.+
Gogetza: Garshrink! Go get one of our ships and bring her back!
Garshrink: Shure thing boss!
+Meanwhile in the ring CM is furious.+
CM: HOW DARE YOU USE SOMETHING SO DANGEROUS! THAT'S IT TIME FOR THE CU DE GRACE! RELEASE THE SECRET WEAPON!
+Another cage rises up out of the CM's corner, it's the one Lina almost opened back in the dressing room. CM walks over and opens it up out steps..... Shinji Ikari!+
Johnny: That's it? That's his secret weapon? One of the biggest wimps in Anime history?
Nick: Take a closer look at him Johnny. Doesn't he have that psycho look in his eyes?
+Shinji walks over to his father.+
Shinji: Hello.... father.
Ikari: What do you want?
Shinji: Not much. I just wanted to give you something.
Shinji: Just this. +Kicks him in between the legs. Ikari drops to the canvass.+
Austin: Unbelievable! I didn't think the kid had it in him!
+Shinji stomps on his fathers face. Then he kicks him repeatedly in the splean.+
Nick: It looks like after all the years of abuse that his father put him through Shinji has finally had enough!
+Shinji picks up his father and then thrusts his hand into Ikari's chest.+
Shinji: Come on where is it...... a ha! There it is!
+Shinji rips his fathers heart out of his chest and throws it into the audiance.+
Johnny: We'll see that for sale on Ebay.
+Mills walks over to the Cancer Man who's been watching this with a big grin on his face.+
Mills: And the winner is the Cancer Man!
Shinji: Hey what about me?
CM: Cram it shrimp! I'm the winner here!
Shinji: WHAT! I'M THE ONE WHO KILLED HIM! From now on stand on your own two feet..... if you can!
+Shinji walks over to CM and sweep kicks him. CM falls to the mat, and Shinji begins to jump on his chest. A sickening crack is heard as CM's lungs are destroyed.+
Ghul Dhan: Ummm..... the winner is Shinji Ikari! I never thought that I'd say that in my life...
Nick: Well it's all over down there. And we are out of time for tonight!